2 years ago
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Who goes #1? Who falls down the board?
What if the NFL Draft was done with only movie and TV characters? I'm glad I asked!
Gregory Shamus / Getty Images
Here's the 2022 NFL entertainment draft:
NOTE: Although some characters are based on real people, the point of the list is the on-screen characters. AND, for the sake of each team having a pick, all traded picks have been reverted to their original owners. Just have fun with it!
1. With the first pick, the Jacksonville Jaguars select Rod Tidwell, WR, Arizona State (Jerry Maguire).
Sony Pictures Releasing
Represented by Jerry Maguire, Tidwell lands No. 1 on the draft board. Expect a straight-up party from Tidwell and his family. He brings the energy and fantastic hands to the Jacksonville offense.
2. With the second pick, the Detroit Lions select Willie Beamen, QB, University of Houston (Any Given Sunday).
Warner Bros.
The Lions get a quarterback that is plenty motivated as he is talented. He puts the "mobile" in mobile quarterback and will bring a different speed to the Detroit offense.
3. With the third pick, the Houston Texans select Shane Falco, QB, Ohio State (The Replacements).
Warner Bros. Pictures
Is he the one? Maybe. But in this case, he is No. 3 overall. This man is no replacement...he can ball. His infamously poor finish in the Sugar Bowl shouldn't sway teams, because this lefty can throw a dart.
4. With the fourth pick, the New York Jets select Smash Williams, RB, Dillon High School (Friday Night Lights).
NBC Universal Television Distribution
Give Smash some green grass and he will take it to the house. He has leadership attributes and can break a tackle like the game is a TV show. I personally hate running backs in the first round, but the Jets are getting the real deal.
5. With the fifth pick, the New York Giants select Bobby Boucher, Edge, South Central Louisiana State (The Waterboy).
Buena Vista Pictures
Do you remember that time Bobby Boucher was drafted in the top five? Well, do ya? Boucher would be just the pass rush that the Giants need, and although he isn't the quickest thinker, he can lay out an opposing player and execute a sick dropkick that would make Captain Insano proud.
6. With the sixth pick, the Carolina Panthers select Vince Howard, QB, East Dillon High School (Friday Night Lights).
NBC Universal Television Distribution
Howard has no business being this good at the quarterback position, but his transition was flawless. He has leadership and accountability. The Panthers can really build a culture around him in the locker room.
7. With the seventh pick, the Chicago Bears select Vontae Mack, Edge, Ohio State (Draft Day).
Lionsgate
A shocker! The Bears go "Vontae Mack no matter what." Mack is a game-changer on defense and is a sack machine. He has some nephews to feed, so expect him to be a nonstop workhorse.
8. With the eighth pick, the Atlanta Falcons select Bo Callahan, QB, University of Wisconsin (Draft Day).
Lionsgate
Say it with me, Atlanta. You. Get. Bo. No one came to his 21st birthday party, but the Falcons are coming for him. He is pure Roethlisberger meets Elway.
9. With the ninth pick, the Denver Broncos select Ronnie "Sunshine" Bass, QB, T.C. Williams High School (Remember the Titans).
Buena Vista Pictures
Sunshineeeee! Ronnie Bass has a ceiling to the moon. Mobile, although doesn't excel in any specific area, can move the ball downfield for the Broncos with some very old-school football.
10. With the tenth pick, the Seattle Seahawks select Phillip Finch, DL, Central High School (Wildcats).
Warner Bros.
This man is an anchor on the defensive line and Seahawks fans will love him. He is capable of blocking a field goal and bringing down a back in the backfield.
11. With the eleventh pick, the Washington Commanders select Forrest Gump, KR, Alabama (Forrest Gump).
Paramount Pictures
He sure is fast. This man is so fast, he can change direction on a dime and still not get caught. Commanders will love getting their "Run, Forrest, Run" merch.
12. With the twelfth pick, the Minnesota Vikings select Julius Campbell, Edge, T.C. Williams High School (Remember the Titans)
Buena Vista Pictures
He's a leader, even if he doesn't see it. He demands perfection from himself and his teammates. He is an elite defender that can ruin any Sunday for an opposing offense. Vikings need the extra leadership on defense.
13. With the thirteenth pick, the Cleveland Browns select Ray Jennings, RB, FSU (Draft Day).
Lionsgate
No Vontae Mack, so who do the Browns take? Ray Jennings. They take Ray Jennings. Isn't that what this team needs? A running back? Arguably the best back in the class slides out of the top 10 and into the lap of GM, Sonny Weaver jr.
14. With the fourteenth pick, the Baltimore Ravens select Petey Williams, ATH, T.C. Williams High School (Remember the Titans).
Buena Vista Pictures
Petey comes with some baggage. He once left his teammates when the "going got tough" and it forced him to slide down the boards. He has high spirits and good character, so expect him to help the Ravens on offense or defense.
15. With the fifteenth pick, the Miami Dolphins select Jason Street, QB, Dillon High School (Friday Night Lights).
NBC Universal Television Distribution
Not just a highly touted prospect in Texas (forever) but in the whole nation. Great leadership and a strong arm to boot.
16. With the sixteenth pick, the Indianapolis Colts select Paul Crewe (2005 version), QB, New Mexico State...Penitentiary (The Longest Yard).
Paramount Pictures
He threw a game once, never again. Crewe will ball out for the Colts and even resembles the playing style of Peyton Manning.
17. With the seventieth pick, the Los Angeles Chargers select Paul Crewe (1974 version), QB, Mean Machines (The Longest Yard).
Paramount Pictures
Chargers go for old school and take Paul Crewe...the '70s version. He is almost the same as the other Crewe, and it's like their skillsets were written up the same way.
18. With the eighteenth pick, the New Orleans Saints select Louie Lastik, OL, T.C. Williams High School (Remember the Titans).
Buena Vista Pictures
The big man hits the Big Easy. They are getting a great locker room guy with some pipes and some power to the run blocking game.
19. With the nineteenth pick, the Philadelphia Eagles select Tim Riggins, RB, Dillon High School (Friday Night Lights).
NBC Universal Television Distribution
Everyone loves them some Tim Riggins. He is a solid, bruising back, but his personality isn't for everyone. Eagles fans will adore his attitude as long as he shows up and gives it his all each game.
20. With the twentieth pick, the Pittsburgh Steelers select Stefan Djordjevic, CB, Ampipe (All the Right Moves).
20th Century Fox
A neckroll for a CB is bold, but Stef will cruise with it no matter what. He looks a lot like a young Jerry Maguire, but he can play corner with the best of 'em. Steelers want grit and wit, this is their man.
21. With the twenty-first pick, the New England Patriots select Buddy, WR, Timberwolves (Airbud: Golden Receiver).
Buena Vista Pictures
Every other team should just quit. Bill Belichick gets Air Bud and it's a wrap. Expect plenty of bark from this young pup.
22. With the twenty-second pick, the Las Vegas Raiders select Brock Kelley, DL, Shiloh Christian Academy (Facing the Giants)
Samuel Goldwyn Films
Brock can carry a 160-pound kid on his shoulders on a death crawl. As long as he doesn't count himself out, he is a special leader.
23. With the twenty-third pick, the Arizona Cardinals select Daniel Eugene “Rudy” Ruettiger, Specialist, (Rudy).
TriStar Films
Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! Can the Cardinals find the right place for Ruettiger? Who knows, but he will give his A game in practice every single time.
24. With the twenty-fourth pick, the Dallas Cowboys select Joe Kingman, QB, Boston Rebels (The Game Plan).
Buena Vista Pictures
Kingman is cocky and is believed to not have what it takes to win the whole thing. Great size and mobility that could make him an all-time Dallas Cowboy!
25. With the twenty-fifth pick, the Buffalo Bills select Ray Finkle, Kicker, Stetson University (Ace Ventura).
Warner Bros.
The laces were in, and now, Finkle is in on the Bills. The city of Buffalo has had great luck with kickers, so I have my fingers crossed for them.
26. With the twenty-sixth pick, the Tennessee Titans select Levander "Bird" Williams, QB, Central High School (Wildcats).
Warner Bros.
Bird is the word and now he's the face of the Tennessee Titans. Put a good defense with this guy, and he'll make plays happen for better field position throughout the game.
27. With the twenty-seventh pick, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers select Uncle Rico, QB, Unknown (Napoleon Dynamite).
Fox Searchlight Pictures
A lot of mystery around this prospect. There are mummers that he never even played football back in the day. He has an arm on him, though.
28. With the twenty-eighth pick, the Green Bay Packers select Matt Saracen, QB, Dillon High School (Friday Night Lights).
NBC Universal Television Distribution
Inexperience is a huge red flag waving over the head of Saracen, but he has a lot of grit and passion. The Packers can lean on him when they need a leader most.
29. With the twenty-ninth pick, the San Francisco 49ers select Gerry Bertier, DL, T.C. Williams High School (Remember the Titans).
Buena Vista Pictures
Maybe the biggest fall of the draft, but the Niners are getting a guy of high character and great chemistry with his teammates. They will look to him to lead and he will answer.
30. With the thirtieth pick, the Kansas City Chiefs select Becky "The Icebox" O'Shea, FB, Pee Wee Football. (Little Giants)
Warner Bros.
Her ability is constantly disrespected because she's a girl, but she is a truck. Hand her the football and watch her go, OR let her lead block downfield.
31. With the thirty-first pick, the Cincinnati Bengals select Spencer James, WR, Beverly Hills High (All American).
Warner Bros. Television
Some WR bias must have caused him to slip through the cracks, but James is a literal All-American prospect that is a can't-miss pick.
32. With the thirty-second pick, the Los Angeles Rams select Kurt Warner, QB, UNI (American Underdog).
Lionsgate
The rich get richer. The Rams draft the character version of their legendary QB, Kurt Warner, which makes you wonder why so many teams passed on him. Underdog, indeed.
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